Monday, October 07, 2013
31 days: October 7
I was in church, up in the choir loft behind the altar, and I didn't want to be there. There, I wrote it. I didn't want to be there. I'm not feeling sure that I can be spiritually fed any longer at the church I've called home for 20 years. I dearly love my church and the people there, however, I've been finally honestly confronting a number of questions I've had over the years. I am reading more and more books which focus on the life of the historical Jesus vs. "the Christ." I'm not sure I agree any longer with what we've made him out to be in Christianity. It pains me how people use Jesus and The Bible to divide and exclude, to judge, and to get one up on other groups of people when their way is not our way. We've strayed so very far away from his message and why he was sent to us by God.
I feel, deep in my heart, that there are multiple paths to God. I always have. If I find that I no longer truly fully believe in many of the core tenets of my church (which we recite in creeds of our faith each week), how can I continue to worship there? It feels fake, disingenuous, and spiritually flat at this point. I am not sure where all this is leading me, but do feel that it's time for me to step back a bit, and see where it takes me. Who knows, I may find that I can still call my church home. But in that moment yesterday, all I knew for sure was that it is time to walk this journey and discover where it leads. God is with me, that much I know for sure. I walk this path with the full assurance of that.